


Yeet-zza

by NathanielCardeu



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Crack, Gen, Humor, Pizza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-21 04:41:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20687660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NathanielCardeu/pseuds/NathanielCardeu
Summary: The Gryffindors order a pizza through the Floo! Ron decides to catch it in his mouth! Hilarity ensues!Crackfic where Ron tries to catch a pizza in his mouth, that has been yeeted out of the Floo network. Based on the Tumblr post





	Yeet-zza

**Author's Note:**

> This is a silly one-shot.  
I'm not even sorry, don't @ me! lol

“Catch it, catch it, catch it!” yelled a voice, a number of others crying out in fear and excitement as the smoking disc flew across the common room.

Lee Jordan ran backwards as fast as he could, a large wooden plate held in both hands. With a desperate jump, he thrust the plate in the path of the disc, stopping its flight and bringing it safely down. The common room erupted into ecstatic cheers as Lee bowed.

“Nice catch, mate!” Fred Weasley declared, slapping Lee on the shoulder. Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan handed the redhead a large galleon, their faces a strange mixture of disappointment and awe at Lee’s acrobatics.

A girl’s shrill voice cut through the tumult. “What on  _ earth _ is going on here?”

Everyone turned to see Hermione Granger, stood in the open portrait hole with her hands on her hips. “Uh oh,” stage-whispered George Weasley with a grin, “teacher’s here! Everyone look innocent.” Hermione glared, as Fred and Lee snickered, and George rocked back and forth on his heels, whistling tunelessly.

Ron and Harry poked their heads around the hole. “‘Ere, what’s the holdup, Hermione?” said Ron, looking around. He broke out into a large grin. “You did it?” he called over to his brothers. “It actually worked?”

“Yup!” said Lee, holding up the plate. “One piping hot pizza, fresh from the oven and all the way from Cornwall.”

“Brilliant!” Ron tumbled through the hole and almost ran across the room, only to find Fred and George’s hands in his face. “Hey, I just want to see-”

“Oh no, you don’t,” Fred said.

“No chance of you getting anywhere near this!” George added. “Bloody bottomless pit.”

“Probably eat it before we had a chance to breathe in the wonderful aroma of the melted cheese!”

“Lee worked hard to catch it, and we’re not letting you have any.”

“Can’t I have a bit?” Ron moaned. “Just a slice! I’m starving.”

“Some cheese may have fallen on the floor while it was in the air.”

“You’re welcome to that if you can find it.”

“We’ve just come from the Great Hall, Ron,” Hermione said. “I watched you eat two trifles!”

“Yeah,” Ron shrugged, “but they’re mostly cream and fruit. Don’t count as  _ real _ food…”

Hermione tutted and rolled her eyes, as Harry came forward, frowning in confusion. “What  _ is _ going on?” he asked.

“Harry!” Fred and George cried happily. “Want some pizza, mate?”

“Bloody cheek!” Ron muttered, glaring at his brothers.

“No, thanks…  _ How _ have you got pizza?” Harry said.

The twins made excited noises, dragging Harry over to a nearby table. Lee placed the plate down and gestured expressively over the top. “The finest Cornish dough,” he intoned as the twins oohed and aahed dramatically, wafting and flouncing around Harry like rejects from Pan’s People. “Hand-stretched by a former Hufflepuff and their fabulous helpers,” continued Lee (“Fabulous helpers,” George whispered seductively in Harry’s ear). “Epically melted, extra mature cheddar and mozzarella cheese!” (“The stringiest of melty cheeses,” moaned Fred in Harry’s other ear, causing him to snigger and wave Fred away.) “And then some other stuff, like mushrooms, sweetcorn, peppers, ham and shit,” Lee finished with a laugh.

“Looks great,” Harry said with a grin. “But…  _ how _ ?”

“There’s a pizza place in Cornwall,” Fred said, “very popular with Hufflepuff.”

“On account of it being founded by one of their own after they left school,” clarified George.

“They called the shop ‘Yeet-zza,” Lee said with a grin. Harry looked at him blankly. “Because they throw the pizza at you when it’s done? As in ‘yeet’…? Get it?”

“No, I don’t get it…” Harry muttered. “Sorry.”

“Never mind,” Lee said, waving a hand, “not important. Anyway, the back of the oven is connected to the Floo network, so when your pizza is done they can just, boop,” Lee mimed shoving something, “chuck it out the back of the oven and it’ll come straight to your fireplace!”

"That's amazing!" Harry said.

"Bloody brilliant idea!" said Ron.

“ _ I _ think it sounds incredibly dangerous,” Hermione said with a pointed sniff in the boys’ direction from her seat at a table in the corner. She glared at Seamus and Dean as they sniggered at her. “Notwithstanding the irresponsibility of…  _ throwing _ a hot pizza through the Floo, there could be all sorts of germs picked up along the way; dirt, soot." She gave a delicate shudder. "It sounds ridiculous."

" _ You  _ sound ridiculous," retorted Fred, winking at her as she shot him an angry look.

"Lighten up, Hermione!" George said, dropping down onto the chair next to her and nudging her with his shoulder. "It's perfectly safe."

"Yeah," Fred said, "there are charms on the food to protect it while it's on the way, and they'll put it in a box if you want them to."

"I still say it sounds terrible." Hermione opened her bag and pulled out her Arithmancy homework, ignoring the boys.

Harry dropped onto the sofa next to Ron, who still looked a little put out about not being offered any pizza. "Sounds funny, doesn't it?" Harry said, looking over his shoulder as Lee, Fred, and George tucked into the pizza.

"I know we've just eaten," Ron said slowly, "but I fancy getting one. Just to see it, you know?"

"Me too," Harry said with a laugh. They ignored Hermione's harrumph, rolling their eyes and sniggering. "How do we order one?" he called over his shoulder.

"Through the Floo, mate," said Lee around a mouthful. He swallowed and wandered over to the sofa. "Just call up 'Yeet-zza' and a server will take your order, get your delivery instructions; green, yellow, or red, then they'll chime you when it's on the way. Easy!"

"What are the colours for?"

"In a box with cushioning charms for green, no box but still with the cushioning charms for yellow. Red is as it comes, with only the hygiene charms.”

“Here,” Seamus said, “Harry’s a great Seeker. I bet he could catch it easy!”

“Yeah, go on, Harry,” encouraged Dean. “Get a red one!”

“I think it’s more Ronnikin’s field,” George said with a wink at Fred. “He’s the keeper, right?”

Fred’s face lit up in a wide smile. “Yeah, catching things that are flying at him at speed is much more his thing.”

“Besides, Harry’s used to catching tiny things; a pizza is much more like a Quaffle,” George said, as Fred and Lee nodded sagely.

“No problem!” cried Ron, moving towards the fireplace. His face fell. “Ahh, but I haven’t got any money on me!”

“No worries, mate,” Harry said, “I’ll buy it, you catch it. We’ll share it.”

Ron smiled at that and grabbed the Floo powder, calling up the pizza place and ordering a large pizza. As he reeled off the list of toppings he wanted, Harry started laughing and his brothers shook their heads. “You want some pizza with your toppings, Ron?” Lee called with a laugh. The order was confirmed and Harry passed the coins through the Floo.

“Fifteen minutes,” the burning figure promised, and vanished back into the Floo.

“What’s going on?” Everyone turned to see Ginny at the foot of the stairs to the girls’ dormitory. Dean quickly caught Ginny up on the situation and she gave a snort of laughter. “Oh, this I have to see!”

Hermione sat nearby, watching the exchange with a disapproving expression on her face. Shaking her head with a growl of exasperation, she turned away, flicking through the pages of her Arithmancy book.

After a few minutes of quiet anticipation, Ron shuffled closer to the fireplace. “I’m gonna catch it in my mouth,” he muttered.

“What?” said Harry, stirred from his hypnotic gazing at the fire.

“The pizza,” Ron said with a grin, “I’m gonna catch it in my mouth!”

Hermione slammed her quill down on her parchment, already more than two foot in length despite it only having been ten minutes since she started. “Ron, you can’t!”

“I can do it!” he said, his jaw pushed out.

“I’m sure you can  _ try _ , but you will also get splattered with hot cheese and tomato sauce. You’ll burn yourself!”

“Worth it!” said Seamus with a laugh. “Go on, Ron!”

“COLIN!” yelled Ginny, running to the foot of the boy’s dormitory stairs. “Get your arse down here! Bring your camera!”

Hermione spluttered indignantly. “Ron!”

“What?”

“Don’t do it, you’ll get hurt! Please, for once, try not to be completely ridiculous!”

“She’s only saying that because she thinks you can’t do it,” said Fred, shrugging.

“What!?” Hermione shrieked, seeing a stubborn light appear in Ron’s eyes.

“Yeah, she thinks you’ll mess it up,” added George, surreptitiously passing a galleon back to Lee.

“We believe in you, little brother,” said Fred, ruffling Ron’s hair, before stepping back and giving Lee a coin too.

“They  _ don’t _ believe in you, Ron!” Hermione said angrily. “Look at them, they’re betting against you.”

“We are not!” Fred said, offended.

“Rudeness!” George said, scandalised. “I don’t know about you, Fred, but I’m offended.”

“The nerve of the girl, George, thinking that we wouldn’t support our baby brother at a time like this!”

“Terribly unfair, right?”

“Terribly.”

The twins adopted severe expressions and shook their heads at Hermione, their eyes dancing with mirth. She growled and shook her fist at them. She turned back to Ron, pleading with her eyes. When he turned away to stare at the fire, she cried, “Ron, please!”

“Don’t worry,” Ginny muttered, tugging Hermione’s sleeve and pulling her back and away from the open fireplace, “I’ve got a couple of burn charms ready.”

“That’s not the point,” Hermione moaned despondently, realising that there was nothing she could do. With a sigh, she watched as Ron planted his feet and steadied himself. Seamus and Dean gave their coin to Lee, and Colin Creevy--who had clattered down the stairs in record time--got his camera ready.

The fire flared, bathing the common room in a flash of red--the sign that the pizza was about to arrive--and everyone backed away from Ron, chattering excitedly.

“Five!” called Lee. “Four!” 

Everyone joined in the count down, Ron doing a little shuffle, arms and legs akimbo, eyes narrowed.

“Three!”

His hands twitched, like a gunslinger of the old American West.

“Two!”

Hermione turned away, hands over her eyes.

“ONE!”

She heard the Floo roar, the cries of excitement. Colin’s camera snapped repeatedly as there was a scuffling of shoes on the flagstones. The shouts rose, Ginny grabbed Hermione’s arm with a gasp, the boys’ yells rose to a fever pitch, and Seamus cried “Weasley is our king!” at the top of his lungs.

Ginny gave a strangled cry, her fingernails digging painfully into Hermione’s arm. Harry managed to yell, “Ron, watch out for…” before there was an almighty crash. Hermione winced, trying to close her ears as the celebratory cries faltered, becoming shouts of alarm.

“So close,” Fred muttered at Hermione’s side, as Ron's muffled shouts of pain filled the air.

"Definitely, said George, suppressed laughter in his voice as Ginny ran forward, wand raised, casting a glare over her shoulder as she went. "Nearly lost a galleon there!"

"I know! Good job you pushed that chair at him. Sent him arse right over tit!"

"It wasn't me, dear brother. I thought it was you!"

"I did it."

Fred frowned. "I know you did."

George shook his head. "I didn't say that."

"Then who-?"

"I did it," Hermione repeated stiffly, tucking her wand back in the pocket of her robes.

The twins exchanged amazed looks. "Hermione?"

"You dark horse! Why?"

"I warned him it was ridiculous," she said, trying to keep her embarrassed blush under control, her voice getting more shrill as she spoke. "I said that he would hurt himself! But then he almost succeeded!” She stared at them with wide eyes and made an effort to lower her voice. “What’s next? If he had succeeded with this, where would it end? With that boost in confidence, what level of stupid risk-taking would he go for after this!? Playing Quidditch standing up? Jumping down from one moving staircase to another? I needed to stop him, here and now, before he really got hurt." The twins stared at her in awe, as her face got hotter under their gaze."It was for his own good," she said, sniffing pointedly and spinning away in a swirl of bushy hair, returning to her homework.

The twins looked from her to Ron; he was rolling around on the floor as Seamus, Dean, and Harry tried to hold him down and peel the scalding hot pizza from his head; Ginny cast a burn soothing charm, and Colin continued to snap picture after picture; Lee Jordan lay on the floor, holding his sides as tears of laughter rolled down his face.

“She’s dangerous,” Fred said under his breath.

“And a bit scary,” said George.

“She’s bloody brilliant!" they said, after a moment of silence. 

Her face hidden by her hair, Hermione let a small smile chase across her lips, twin spots of red still burning on her cheeks as she flicked through the pages of her New Theory of Numerology Book.

** _The End_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this, hope you enjoyed it! Feel free to leave a comment if you want; I love hearing your thoughts <3


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